Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Long Haul



I realize that there are many women who do this alone, either some or all of the time. Around here, their partners work at remote mine sites. They fight wildfires, stationed in the bush in the territory or flown out to help in other provinces, sometimes gone for weeks. 

Women's partners are long-haul truckers, or in the military, or just not there at all, ever. So many women do this all alone, all of the time.

After a day like yesterday, where P is out the door at 7:30 a.m. and doesn't pull into the driveway until 7 p.m., I find myself wondering how these women do it. How do they go for days, or weeks, or years as the primary caregiver? As the only adult in the house, all day long? How do they make time for that mythical beast called self-care? How do they fill the well? How do they not lose their minds? 

Or maybe they do. 

Lose their minds, that is. I know I feel close to it on these particular days. I find myself resenting being stuck out here alone for such long stretches of time. I pace within these log walls, or without, in the clearing around the house, swatting at mosquitoes and wishing someone would pull into the driveway, anyone, and not just to turn around and drive back to the gas station at the corner. I'm armed with tea and a wild 3 year old and a sweet baby. I'll invite you in, I swear!

In the absence of (grown) human contact, I find myself spending too much time on the internet, never really making much of a connection there, either. I sing "Mr. Lonely" in my head and feel sorry for myself and then tell myself to cut it out, shake it off. I wash the dishes, I build a block tower and watch the baby knock it over. I count the minutes until. 


10 comments:

  1. When my boys were younger my husband was nursing in other communities and I would be home with them, exhausted and miserable. Even though I lived right in town, it was hard to get out of the house with a baby and one that wasn't even two. I cried a lot!

    I sure wish I lived closer! I would be coming out for tea. :)

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    1. It's so hard, isn't it? Does Matt still work in other communities, or just Faro now?

      I would love to have you over for tea!

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    2. He only works in Faro now, thankfully!!

      :)

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  2. We were never meant to raise a family on our own. You are missing your sense of community, I hope you can find something to replace it. Thinking of you on those long days :)

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  3. If I were there I'd definitely stop in for tea. I hear 'ya on the going nuts thing. I think you're doing the right things, just force yourself to get up and out and do something. You'll work through it, little by little, day by day. You can do this, you know you can! Love you.

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  4. I can soooo relate to this one! I'm anxiously waiting at the front door every day at 5pm and get so resentful and annoyed when he's even two minutes late, nevermind the days he picks up some extra work in the evenings and isn't home until after the kids are in bed. For the most part, Kale is in school for the bulk of the day and I STILL find it hard!

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    1. Yes! Sometimes I feel like the dogs, perking up every time a car comes down the road. No fun!

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  5. I sure wish i was up there, we'd definitely be over for some of that tea! often. i feel the same way even tho i'm in town... although i do know its completely different. ican go for a walk and see humans.
    I am sad for the way our culture is.
    I dont think mothers are meant to do this job alone. i want community! search for it endlessly. not sure weather to blame the internet or cars for the way we are so anti social. I am to blame for it in my own life! its easier in some way to go to the next town and go shop instead of knock on some long lost friend's door.. i just feel like - they must be too busy for me to interrupt...
    I long for the olden days where there were canning parties and people cooked together.. maybe thats not even how it was. but i think thats how it should be dammit!
    feel free to write messages to me as often as you want!!! I'll write back :)

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    1. Thanks, Erin! No, we are definitely not meant to do this alone. Families are lacking so much in support! We should be helping each other, instead of comparing ourselves to each other. I wish we could go back to those simpler times, too.

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