Realizing.

They say that when a baby is born, so too is a mother. I thought that was a one-time occurrence; that with Aedan's birth, I was born a mama, and that was that. But I've learned that I've been born all over again as a mama of two. 

It is taking me some time to figure this out, but figure it out I am. I'm realizing that I've been entirely too hard on myself. All of the expectations I had when I was a  mama of one have gone out the window, though it's been hard to let go of them.

Aedan watches shows on Netflix now, and he plays with our iPads. Over the past 7 weeks I've been wracked with guilt over his screen time, and it's resulted in some tearful battles. But today I realize that the day is incredibly long, when it begins at 5:45 am and it's too cold to go outside. There are a lot of hours to fill, and if I fill one or two of them Bob the Builder or a movie we watch together, then so be it. I grew up with television, and I guess I turned out pretty all right.

Then there's our diet.  Just before Colm was born, I was having a lot of anxiety over food. I'd started down a path of wanting to eat real, whole foods, avoiding processed foods and refined sugar. But that led me into researching grains, and then nuts and seeds and phytic acid and anti-nutrients. I was left wondering what the hell I was supposed to feed my family. But that anxiety is gone, now. We all seem to digest grains and nuts well, and we're all quite healthy. The processed foods and refined sugar have crept back in, and I would like to change that, but I don't find it consuming my thoughts these days. We are fed, and that's what's important right now.

I'm trying so hard to relax, and to enjoy each moment, but it's not easy some days. Aedan has suddenly, ferociously, become a two-year old, full of energy and curiosity for this world he's in. It's intense, and it's taken P and I by surprise, but we're catching up and trying to allow him the freedom to explore. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a race, trying to get to his next whim before he does, frantically trying to think of things to entertain him or distract him. I have to remind myself that he's quite capable of that on his own.

Anyway, today is one of those days where I haven't broken down and cried yet. I haven't even felt close to tears, and I wanted to write it all down so that maybe I'll feel lifted on a difficult day.