Checking In

We're recently back from a little over two months spent with family in Ontario. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty wonderful having all those hands to take the baby. And I really miss it some days. But we're settling back in to life on the Dempster, trying to find a routine while nursing sick babies. 

The sun is back in full force and I'm so glad we missed those dark months. I don't think I can do them anymore. Getting out for at least December and January is necessary for our survival. I'm not sure if we would have all come out alive had we stayed here.

Two months spent in the city has made me realize a few things about myself. I've realized that I don't dig this lifestyle anymore. Pooping outside in the dark at 30 below isn't cool anymore. I miss taking a shower on a fairly regular basis. While I love looking out any window in our home and seeing only forest, I miss people popping in for a visit. I miss being able to walk to a park and see people going about their day. I feel like I gave off-grid, country living a fair chance, and it's just not for me. 

We're here for now, though. While we make our future plans, right now we're not going anywhere. So I will continue to poop outside in the dark at 30 below and shower sporadically and have only whiskey jacks for neighbours. 

I turn my thoughts to the garden. I watch the boys grow and I wonder about who I really am and the sun rises and sets and it's fine.

All over the place

Sorry, readers, for being unable to make up my mind about this here blog. From name changes to private entries and back again, I've been pretty inconsistent.

I just want a little space to flex my creative muscle from time to time, and keep distant friends and family in the loop without writing a million different emails. For a while there I was feeling weird about sharing my life with complete strangers, but what the heck. It's what all the cool kids are doing these days, right?

I promise I'll stop messing around, though. If you're still reading, thanks for sticking around!

Realizing.

They say that when a baby is born, so too is a mother. I thought that was a one-time occurrence; that with Aedan's birth, I was born a mama, and that was that. But I've learned that I've been born all over again as a mama of two. 

It is taking me some time to figure this out, but figure it out I am. I'm realizing that I've been entirely too hard on myself. All of the expectations I had when I was a  mama of one have gone out the window, though it's been hard to let go of them.

Aedan watches shows on Netflix now, and he plays with our iPads. Over the past 7 weeks I've been wracked with guilt over his screen time, and it's resulted in some tearful battles. But today I realize that the day is incredibly long, when it begins at 5:45 am and it's too cold to go outside. There are a lot of hours to fill, and if I fill one or two of them Bob the Builder or a movie we watch together, then so be it. I grew up with television, and I guess I turned out pretty all right.

Then there's our diet.  Just before Colm was born, I was having a lot of anxiety over food. I'd started down a path of wanting to eat real, whole foods, avoiding processed foods and refined sugar. But that led me into researching grains, and then nuts and seeds and phytic acid and anti-nutrients. I was left wondering what the hell I was supposed to feed my family. But that anxiety is gone, now. We all seem to digest grains and nuts well, and we're all quite healthy. The processed foods and refined sugar have crept back in, and I would like to change that, but I don't find it consuming my thoughts these days. We are fed, and that's what's important right now.

I'm trying so hard to relax, and to enjoy each moment, but it's not easy some days. Aedan has suddenly, ferociously, become a two-year old, full of energy and curiosity for this world he's in. It's intense, and it's taken P and I by surprise, but we're catching up and trying to allow him the freedom to explore. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a race, trying to get to his next whim before he does, frantically trying to think of things to entertain him or distract him. I have to remind myself that he's quite capable of that on his own.

Anyway, today is one of those days where I haven't broken down and cried yet. I haven't even felt close to tears, and I wanted to write it all down so that maybe I'll feel lifted on a difficult day.

Last night

Nights with two nurslings are not always full of Mama-sleep. Sometimes, mama gets tag-teamed by two very inconsiderate little boys.

Last night was one of those nights.

I'm not sure what time it was. It was certainly the very earliest hours of this day. Colm began waking to nurse, and not long after I got him latched, I could hear Aedan begin to stir. Still half asleep, he pressed into my back, searching beneath my shirt for a boob (if only I had one back there!) "Mama," his little voice called out, "nurse?" 

"As soon as Colm finishes, I'll nurse you, sweetie." I reached back and patted his bum, silently willing him to just fall back to sleep, as he sometimes does.

This wasn't one of those times.

He started to cry.

His requests to nurse became tearful demands. 

He screamed.

He kicked.

He thrashed the bedding around.

All the while, I kept my cool, and P did the same. I nursed Colm back to sleep, calmly reassuring Aedan that I would nurse him just as soon as I was able. Finally, I rolled away from Colm, and attempted to settle Aedan on his twin mattress next to ours. 

This was my mistake.

Rolling away from Colm gave us all about 5 minutes of peace before he noticed my absence and began to fuss.

"Boobies are going to sleep now," I tried. "It's time for Aedan to go to sleep now, too."

He wasn't buying it. I rolled back to resettle Colm and the kicking and screaming began again.

Sigh.

Eventually, I got everyone back to sleep. And I lay, wide awake, for probably another 45 minutes, at least, listening to three different sleep-breaths all around me. I thought about the new yarn my sister-in-law Karen sent me. I thought about blogging and privacy. I thought about Yukon living. 

I suppose, eventually, I fell asleep, because I was definitely out the next time Colm tried, unsuccessfully, to latch--his nose was full of snot. And then Aedan chimed in: "nurse?" And then "want it wake up?" I dragged them both downstairs only to discover that it was but twenty after four in the a.m.

I cleared out Colm's nose, got everyone back in bed, and nursed them simultaneously back to sleep. I don't like doing that, but I needed sleep.

Oh, except Aedan didn't immediately fall asleep. When he finally did, and I began drifting off, Colm woke up. 

I had to laugh, because, really, what else is there to do?

Two appointments

This past week we made our way to Vancouver for Aedan's regular 6-month check in with the diabetes clinic. He is doing really well; his A1C came back at 5.2, which means he continues to be in a non-diabetic range. They weighed him, too...he weighs about 30 lbs now! What happened to my little baby?

The trip itself was not much fun. Travelling with two little ones is not my idea of fun. After a few rather unsuccessful attempts to eat in restaurants, we resorted to "hotel picnics". I really wanted to take Aedan to the aquarium, but it didn't happen. We managed to get him to the park,but that was it.

Vancouver was beautiful, as usual. And it hit -44 C here on the Dempster while we were gone. I am so glad we missed that!

On  our way back through Whitehorse, we saw our midwife for Colm's 6 week check-up. He is also doing really well! He weighs 11 lbs 2 ozs now. Christina was really impressed  with how he's developing: he's smiling, cooing, and very alert.

I don't have any pictures from Vancouver, because I wasn't having any fun!

Today

Today began in darkness, as every day does. We sat in our usual places in the living room, and we poured out our misery like the morning coffee. "I'm not having any fun."  "I feel so overwhelmed."  "I wish we were somewhere else." 

And then, as the sun rose, the bad moods lifted. It's amazing how the simple act of giving voice to our unhappiness can dispel it. 

"Lily!!"

I got a pot of roasted butternut squash soup simmering on the stove. I managed to get myself and the little ones outside for a half hour, and then back in for hot chocolate and lunch. Then it was nap time and a good phone call to my mom. P got home from doing some work in the office, and we all went outside again, this time to burn some brush.

We had the soup for dinner, and then the boys each had a bath, with only minimal crying from Aedan. He went to sleep easily, as he has been lately, and Colm is asleep now in my lap as I type this. The candles have all burned down, there is jazz and Tim Tam on the CBC. I'll tuck this day away in my back pocket, and remember it on a day that doesn't feel so smooth and rhythmic....

But I hope they become more like this!

One Month

Has it been a month already? It feels like we've been at this forever!

I try so hard to mark the changes that take place in you each day, but I must admit, it is so incredibly difficult with a 2-year old being..well...being a 2-year old all over the place.

Colm, you take it all fairly well. Often I think you look a bit bewildered at all the action. I wonder if your brother, bouncing all over the couch and throwing plastic sea creatures around and kissing you and patting you and scratching your face offends your delicate senses. Sometimes, when I look at you, I am sure you are an old soul--you seem so much older than your older brother. Do you wonder into what chaos you've been born? I promise you it won't always be this way. Or maybe it will.

Your eyes are quite blue, and you've got a sweet little smile developing. Your hair seems to be fair. You look like your daddy. When I hold you to my shoulder, your strong feet push against my hand as you peek around behind me, holding your head up a few seconds at a time. You love to be held, all of the time. You don't like the car seat, and you cry as soon as the truck stops rolling. You are not terribly patient, but then again, neither am I these days, so I can't blame you.

I wonder what you'll be like, what you'll look like. Will you have curls? Will you like trucks as much as your brother does?

You are a sweetheart and I love you more each day.