Walkin' and Talkin'

I have been meaning to sit down and write about little Collie for at least a month now. I'm awful at filling out the baby books (I think I've written Colm's name in his, so we're off to a good start) so the least I can do is keep track of milestones here.

So, what is he up to these days, almost 16 months old?

Colm is walking now, he started in early January I guess. He's got a cute little wiggle in his walk. He's determined to master the stairs, too, and usually insists going both up and down by himself.




He has also started using a few words in the last couple of weeks. He's a master at "Daddy" and he's also working on "ball" and "boat". He barks whenever he sees a dog, so I figure that's sort of like saying the word.

Colm is finally eating! I remember when my milk first started to diminish, after getting pregnant, being so worried that Colm was going to starve. He was probably 10 months old before he took more than a passing interest in solid food, and well over a year before he started eating significant amounts. His favourites right now include dill pickles, raisins, chicken, and potatoes. His tastes are so different from Aedan's...he doesn't really seem to enjoy fruit very much, though he will occasionally eat berries, a few bites of banana, or a clementine.




His eczema is fairly well controlled now, nothing like it was last winter. He is still very sensitive and gets a rash easily, but if we keep eggs, wheat and dairy out of his diet, he does okay. He's had several severe food reactions requiring epinephrine, and we have a visit with an allergist coming up to try and figure out what is causing the reaction. I suspect either dairy or some food additive. Unfortunately each time it happened, we were not in our own home, so he was eating food that was more processed than we would normally have. The ingredient lists were long, or unknown in one case, so it's a bit of a guessing game at this point.

Colm finally takes a decent nap on his own, without needing to be in my arms or have me right beside him. I am so relieved! It reminds me that all things will pass eventually. I try to keep this in mind with Aedan, who continues to be a challenge. But that is for another post I suppose!

Colm is 1!

My sweet little Collie-saur,

I can't believe you've already been with us for a year, and yet it feels like you've been with us forever. 

With your sparkling blue-grey eyes and your silly little laugh, you bring so much joy to our family. You are such a good-natured little boy; through the very worst of your eczema, through all the rough times with your big brother, you still smile so easy. You wake up smiling every morning (unless you've been woken up too soon) and that smile carries you through the day.

You can be quite serious, too, watching me or Aedan with your curious gaze, your mouth drawn into a pout of concentration. You take the work of packing and unpacking things very seriously indeed, putting all the blocks you can fit into your little shape-sorter. You like to pack and unpack yourself, too, into baskets and boxes.

I think you're going to be a little dare-devil, like your Auntie Brea was, only because you seem to want to do whatever it is that your big brother is doing. Leaping over the back of the couch? Sliding down rocky slopes to the pond's edge? You are all too eager for these things, and you're not even walking yet!

In the last couple of months you are finally taking more than a passing interest in food. You don't seem to be much of a breakfast man, but you love chicken and turkey and tofu, hummus, noodles, rice and beans. You seem mildly interested in vegetables but you won't give fruit the time of day. Except for that one time, when you ate three blueberries. You love drinking water, especially from Mama's cup, and you're fast learning how to handle a cup by yourself. 

You like turning the pages of books but don't seem to care about hearing the story. The dogs make you laugh. You love crawling and tumbling all over our big bed, and you're even starting to rough-house with your brother--or at least, you seem to be a willing participant in his rough play. It scares the crap out of me, but I try to follow your lead. 

You clap and you wave and you're just a delight. We love you so much, Colm Ferguson, and I can't imagine our family without you.

Happy 1st birthday, little love!

Brothers

Something I've really been enjoying lately is watching the connection grow between Aedan and Colm. They just love each other so completely, without reserve or qualification. Though Aedan can sometimes get a bit carried away, he's generally full of kisses and pats. He'll tell Colm when he's getting into something he shouldn't ("No, Collie! Get out of there!") or offer random toys to him. He just can't wait for Colm to wake up in the mornings, and usually speeds the process along by climbing over me and bestowing kisses all over Colm's face and arms. And then sounds really surprised when he wakes up. "Oh! I think he's waking up now!" It's so sweet.

Colm clearly loves his big brother, too. He can dissolve into a fit of giggles just by looking at Aedan. He crawls after him where ever he goes, and lately I've noticed him trying to do what Aedan does. We were at the pond the other day, Aedan throwing rocks (of course) and I watched Colm edge as close as he could get to the water, pick up a little rock, and drop it in. He did this multiple times, watching his brother carefully. I've noticed him do the same with sticks, at the river. He also tries to stand up on the arm of the couch, and launch over the back of the loveseat beside it, something Aedan does a million times a day. I'm beginning to realize that I'm going to have to watch this little one very carefully!

Parenting two kids is often exhausting. I have little time for myself (which is partly my own fault, I'm terrible at making time for myself, but that's another post.)  Watching these two grow together, though, is immensely rewarding. I wonder if they'll make up their own secret language, hiding out in a fort in the woods around our house. I picture them wrestling on the living room floor, or skipping stones at the river. I see so many shared adventures ahead of them, and I hope they'll always be friends.

9 months

Oh my little Collie-saur, you have been on this earth 9 months now.

You love to eat dirt and you try to eat rocks but I generally discourage you because your teeth! You have four, almost five, teeth. They all seemed to come in at once around 7 months, and it didn't seem to bother you at all.

You've started to crawl, inspired, I think, by spending time with your slightly older cousin, Hunter, who is a very adept crawler, indeed. When you crawl, you sort of have one leg up like you're going to walk on it, bent at the knee, foot on the floor. It's really cute. You love to stand and you're finally pulling yourself up on furniture. It gives my arms a break.

Your eyes are still blue, though sometimes they look green-grey. Your eyelashes are crazy long, and they curl! You're finally getting more hair, and it seems to be darkening a bit.

Your eczema is mostly under control these days, as long as I keep my diet clean. We've discovered that eggs, dairy and wheat all cause it to flare. I miss cheese the most, and milk chocolate...and bread. But I look at pictures of you at your worst, your whole head inflamed, skin weeping, and it's worth it. You're slowly exploring foods yourself: carrots, broccoli, sweet potato and blueberries so far. Mama's milk is still definitely your favourite.

You laugh easy, especially at your big brother.

You have dimples on the backs of your hands.

You love the water, and the swings.

We are so grateful to have you in our lives. Thanks for joining us!

6 month old baby!

As of this week, Colm has been on this earth for 6 months! I can't believe half a year has gone by already.

These days, Colm is just beginning to sit up on his own. He's also got quite the set of lungs on him, and makes some pretty hilarious sounds. He loves to laugh at his brother's antics most of all, and that makes me so happy! His eyes are so bright, so alert; and blue! He likes to fall asleep in my arms or in the wrap on my chest. He also really enjoys being carried on my hip, in the wrap, while I do dishes or prepare a meal. I'm so glad we mastered that hip carry!

Colm is a very itchy little man, though, and that breaks my heart. The eczema on his face is a bit better these days, but definitely still something we deal with on a daily basis. He's got patches on his right elbow and behind both knees, as well as on the back of his shoulder. His back and his belly are covered in a rash that is almost gone some days, and all over on others. It's tiring trying to guess what is causing the flare ups. Is it something in my diet? Is it laundry detergent? Pet dander? Dust? Seasonal? We try to keep his skin moist and his hands either occupied or covered in socks. I feel awful that he's sitting up and ready to explore the world with his hands a bit more...and they're covered in socks. He'd tear his face up, though, if left un-socked and unattended.

In spite of the itch, he is an incredibly good natured little boy. He is a mama's boy, though, and bedtimes feel like a marathon to get Aedan ready to go before Colm completely loses it in P's arms. I hope that changes soon. 

It seems strange that I worry more about Colm than I ever did about Aedan, especially strange given that Aedan is my first and was diagnosed with diabetes at 7 weeks old. But Colm...I worry about his rash and what might be causing it. I worry about his head being oddly shaped and I wonder if his brains are suffering. I worry that he's not as strong as Aedan was at this age, or as strong as other babies the same age, even though I know you're not supposed to compare. It's exhausting! But I'm sure the rash will clear and his skull will straighten out (or at least he'll get hair and it won't be obvious) and then I guess I'll be worrying about scraped knees or broken bones or peanut allergies or something.

You're my little love, Colm. I just want you to be okay!

These Days

If I actually sat down and wrote all of the blog posts that occurred to me, well, I guess I'd have a more active blog! Instead, I tend to pass out at 8 every night, wedged between a baby and a toddler. It's a thrilling existence, let me tell ya.

We've been having beautiful weather these past few weeks. It's still cold at night, -25 or so, but it warms up with the sun. It's usually around 0 by mid afternoon. We get outside then to soak up the day. The snow has come off  the roof completely in some places, and is taking its time in others. This past week I've noticed little flocks of snow buntings at the roadsides...they usually pass through this time of year. I've even seen the catkins beginning to grow on the willows! I'm hoping this gradual spring continues, because I'm really loving it.

We've been dealing with a very itchy-headed baby lately, and it's been at its worst this week. The doctor's keep calling it cradle cap, but I'm convinced it's eczema. The skin became infected, and after trying a few home remedies, I caved and Colm is now on a course of antibiotics. The infected skin is looking much better, but his head is still red, rashy, dry and itchy. I hope once winter passes and the woodstoves burn out for the last time, it will clear. It's hard for me to take pictures of Colm, but I don't want to miss documenting this time in his life, so I force myself to do it. Looking through photos from Ontario to now, I can really see it progressing. I hope we're on the downside!

Aside from itching a lot, Colm has started rolling over! He's also begun to babble, and he's just the cutest thing since Aedan! I love this rollie-pollie, pudgy-baby, not-yet-mobile stage!

Aedan is a real challenge. He "helps" me a lot, which is cute. But he's so physical. When he gets excited at our playgroup, he'll push kids down, hit them in the face, pull hair...the other moms reassure me it's developmentally normal,and I know it is, but it's hard to parent him right now. We're working on showing him appropriate ways to play. I try to focus on his sweeter times, when he's giving kisses or hugs or snuggling up to me in bed (though that last also drives me crazy!) I'm eager for this phase to pass.

Aedan and his whale "helping" me do dishes. 

Colm's Birth Story

A little background...while it's not illegal, women are very strongly discouraged from giving birth in Dawson City. There is no midwife here, there is no obstetrician, there is no labour and delivery ward in our shiny new health center. Women from Dawson, from all of the communities, must go to Whitehorse, usually around 38 weeks, to wait for their baby to be born at Whitehorse General Hospital. Some women and their families stay with friends or relatives, some are lucky to house sit, but most end up in a hotel room. After Aedan's exciting arrival, we decided to have a midwife assisted "home" birth. We were incredibly fortunate to be able to rent a small house at a beautiful place called Sundog Retreat (with two nights at the Westmark in the middle of our stay) to serve as our home away from home.

Colm's story begins the day before he was born, October 13th. 41 weeks pregnant, and tired of the waiting.  We were getting ready to leave the Westmark and move back into our home at Sundog. My dad was set to fly back to London without meeting his new grandbaby, and my mom was staying on another three days, with all of her fingers and toes crossed that this baby would come soon.

My parents checked out of the hotel, taking Aedan with them down to the river to throw rocks. P and I lay in bed together, dozing in the sunshine streaming in through the window, the white hotel sheets seeming to glow, the whole room, really, glowing. It was a beautiful moment that still stands out in my mind. I had stopped worrying about when labour would begin, had given myself over to letting it happen when it would. But all of these moments must end; we could hear the housekeepers in the room next to ours, so we got up and left to meet with my parents and Aedan.

I held back tears saying goodbye to my dad, but Aedan seemed to be taking it well, so I stayed strong as we headed back to Sundog to settle in for another week.

That afternoon, my mom and I took Aedan outside to play, and I chased him around, lifting him high in the air, kissing him and loving him up, enjoying what would be his last afternoon as an only child, my only child. Around dinnertime, I had some bloody show, and shortly after that, contractions started. Just like with Aedan's birth, they were short, not very strong, and spaced far apart. I went to bed  early that night, hoping tomorrow would be the day.

Monday, October 14th. We were all up fairly early, my contractions a little stronger. I ate a big breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, and called our midwife, Christina, around 7:30. We'd had an appointment scheduled for later that day, and I excitedly told her I didn't think we'd be able to keep it. She and our doula, Mufida, arrived a couple of hours later. My contractions continued, mild and regular, as we hung out, watching Aedan show off for our guests. I was sitting on a big exercise ball for a lot of this time, rocking and bouncing. I nursed Aedan through several contractions--uncomfortable, but I reminded myself that the oxytocin would strengthen labour. Mom took him out to play, and then I got him down for a nap, I think it must have been noon. This is when Chistina considers active labour to have begun. 

We blew up the birth pool and filled it, and soon after I climbed in. Everything was so relaxed...except P. I could tell he really wanted to be doing something. As I was settling into the pool, he was fiddling with the iPad we used to record the birth, and then he jumped up and announced he was going out to the truck to bring in a box of diapers. I ordered him to sit down in a chair beside me, hold my hands, and just be present with me. 

The warmth of the water was lovely, and it felt good to labour there. My contractions continued to increase in intensity and frequency; through each one I would turn my focus inward and downward, imagining my body slowly opening for this baby. In between contractions I was chatting with everyone, and stretching my legs out (I was labouring, kneeling, at the edge of the tub). I would tell Christina whenever I felt the baby move, but we never did an internal exam. 

At some point, I began to make low sounds through my contractions, and the room was mostly silent. As things became more intense, and I think I went through the trasition phase, I remember thinking "no way out but through" and also thinking that this was really gonna hurt! P leaned over and whispered that he loved me, and that I was amazing. Words a gal really needs to hear at a time like that!

Soon I was pushing just a little bit at the height of each contraction. I think this may have been when Aedan woke up from his nap. He was initially alarmed to see me in a big tub of water, but he got over it and was so awesome through the rest of the birth. I remember him patting my arm and telling me "s'okay"

Pushing seemed fast and very intense. I felt an internal "pop", which we assumed was the water bag breaking. There was no real gush of fluid. Maybe baby's head was in the way? I felt the baby coming down, the contractions were on top of each other. I reached down to feel, trying to apply some counter pressure as the baby crowned, hoping I wouldn't tear this time. It took some time to push him out; I would feel his head emerge and then slip back inside my body. I felt the "ring of fire", something I didn't notice with Aedan's birth. Eventually, I roared his head out, and oh! what sweet relief! I looked up at P and said "fuck that feels good!" 

My family all leaned in to see this little baby head, underwater, between my legs. What a trip! Christina guided me to take my time, to let my body stretch and to let baby's body turn. Then, with the next contraction, I pushed him out into the water, into my hands. How amazing a feeling! What relief! I feel like we all exclaimed, P had tears, or maybe it was silent. I don't know. My heart sang, though. It was over! Baby was finally here! 

I lifted him out of the water and held him to my chest. He took his sweet time taking a breath, instead just looking confused. Christina blew into his face a couple of times and finally he took his first breath. I peeked between his legs. A boy! I settled back into the tub, and we all marvelled at this new human with us. Afternoon sunshine filled the house. Everything was just as I'd pictured it. 

I was still having fairly strong contractions, and it wasn't long before I delivered the placenta. P cut the cord while baby latched on and nursed for the first time. Soon after that, Mufida and Christina helped me out of the tub and into bed, where Christina gave our boy his first exam. He weighed in at 7 lbs 12 ounces, a beautiful, healthy little guy. 

P, Aedan, proud Gramma and I were all enthralled. It is so amazing how life changes so completely with the arrival of a new baby! 

Two appointments

This past week we made our way to Vancouver for Aedan's regular 6-month check in with the diabetes clinic. He is doing really well; his A1C came back at 5.2, which means he continues to be in a non-diabetic range. They weighed him, too...he weighs about 30 lbs now! What happened to my little baby?

The trip itself was not much fun. Travelling with two little ones is not my idea of fun. After a few rather unsuccessful attempts to eat in restaurants, we resorted to "hotel picnics". I really wanted to take Aedan to the aquarium, but it didn't happen. We managed to get him to the park,but that was it.

Vancouver was beautiful, as usual. And it hit -44 C here on the Dempster while we were gone. I am so glad we missed that!

On  our way back through Whitehorse, we saw our midwife for Colm's 6 week check-up. He is also doing really well! He weighs 11 lbs 2 ozs now. Christina was really impressed  with how he's developing: he's smiling, cooing, and very alert.

I don't have any pictures from Vancouver, because I wasn't having any fun!

One Month

Has it been a month already? It feels like we've been at this forever!

I try so hard to mark the changes that take place in you each day, but I must admit, it is so incredibly difficult with a 2-year old being..well...being a 2-year old all over the place.

Colm, you take it all fairly well. Often I think you look a bit bewildered at all the action. I wonder if your brother, bouncing all over the couch and throwing plastic sea creatures around and kissing you and patting you and scratching your face offends your delicate senses. Sometimes, when I look at you, I am sure you are an old soul--you seem so much older than your older brother. Do you wonder into what chaos you've been born? I promise you it won't always be this way. Or maybe it will.

Your eyes are quite blue, and you've got a sweet little smile developing. Your hair seems to be fair. You look like your daddy. When I hold you to my shoulder, your strong feet push against my hand as you peek around behind me, holding your head up a few seconds at a time. You love to be held, all of the time. You don't like the car seat, and you cry as soon as the truck stops rolling. You are not terribly patient, but then again, neither am I these days, so I can't blame you.

I wonder what you'll be like, what you'll look like. Will you have curls? Will you like trucks as much as your brother does?

You are a sweetheart and I love you more each day.

Hitting Stride

These days, I feel like we're starting to hit our stride.

Or at least, I don't feel like we're stumbling on a daily basis.

Our days are taking shape. We are finding a new rhythm. We begin in darkness, somewhere between 5:30 and 6 am. The grown-ups have coffee and tea, the littles have mama's milk and snuggles. Aedan plays some games on the iPad, or watches a video of humpback whales or diggers (depending on his mood). P makes us breakfast and does the dishes, and then he gets to work on plumbing or dog walking or wood cutting while I nurse babies, do puzzles, read books, play sea creatures or trucks or blocks. At some point, there is a bit of a struggle over nursing, but I try to set some limits with Aedan for my own sanity. I've also been trying to get Aedan into some undirected "arting". We've tried finger painting, play dough and stickers. He does not like sticky things on his fingers. It really puts a damper on most of the fun things for toddlers to do. 

Today, I got him painting with a toothbrush for a few minutes. 

He kept trying to brush his teeth with the paint. (Don't worry, it's made of powdered beets and water). 

 Aedan naps in the early afternoon, sometimes for three hours. I try really hard to nap, too, but I've never been a good napper. Instead, I read or surf the net (come 4 pm, though, I really regret that decision). When Aedan wakes up, I try to get us all outside for awhile, but lately he's been fighting me on that one. I'm usually too tired to press the issue, but if P is home I'll take the extra help to get us all out the door for an hour or so. I need it as much as Aedan does! Dinner has been uneventful. It's food in our bellies. I miss cooking. Bedtime is around 8, because I usually can't keep my eyes open any more. The nights are going okay, Colm doesn't wake often but you can bet that when he does, Aedan does, too. So I'm doing double duty at night, too. I really hated that in the beginning, but it's getting better.

The days sort of blend together. They are at once eventful and incredibly boring. Some days I want so much more. Or I want an hour of not being touched by little hands. But these things aren't possible right now, so instead, when it gets to be too much, I let myself think of the future, when my two boys are playing together happily and I am sitting on the couch knitting or in a room of my own studying some distance course or writing. 

Two

 

As I type this (one-handed) Paul and Aedan are upstairs napping; Colm is asleep in my lap, and I am left with some quiet time to reflect, to gather my thoughts. It feels a bit like that scene in the movie "Twister", where Helen Hunt and Bill Pulman belt themselves to a water pipe rising out of the ground, to anchor themselves as the tornado roars around them.

I am holding on for dear life.

Two is intense. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for it. In fact, I don't recall trying to prepare myself for it. I suppose, deep down, I knew that was an impossible task. 

Aedan is generally being wonderful. I try my very best to give him as much attention as I can spare, while taking fleeting glimpses of the new babe, taking deep breathes of his new-baby scent before diving back in to an ever-changing sea of toddler needs. 

Aedan loves to share his toys with his brother.

I am so grateful that Colm is, so far, an easy baby. He nurses a whole lot, and sleeps a whole lot more.  My love for him has been slow to grow, but my heart is pretty much bursting with it now. I try to savour every little bit of him, every little newborn moment, because he'll likely be my last. I fear for him like I never did for Aedan, not until the diabetes diagnosis, that is. I think it's because of that that I harbour so many secret worries. But Colm seems healthy and content. I tested his blood sugar while the midwife was here, and it was within a normal range. I smell his breath often for keytones, and wonder if he pees too much. I tell myself, as often as possible, "He's fine."

It's not just two to entertain, two to lull to sleep, two bums to wipe, two to love. It's two to nurse, too. I had planned all along to continue nursing Aedan alongside Colm, and I think it's part of the reason that Aedan is adjusting so well, but wow. It is hard. My feelings about my nursing relationship with Aedan change from session to session, oscillating from gratitude to exasperation. He's not ready to wean, though, and I want to keep going. I just need to find some mom-support, another tandem nurser to talk to. 

And what about the two of us, the two adults in all of this? We cling to one another when we can. We try to help one another. I feel like I'm taking so much right now, but that's because I'm giving so much, elsewhere. 

Two is beautiful and frightening and overwhelming in every way.