Hitting Stride

These days, I feel like we're starting to hit our stride.

Or at least, I don't feel like we're stumbling on a daily basis.

Our days are taking shape. We are finding a new rhythm. We begin in darkness, somewhere between 5:30 and 6 am. The grown-ups have coffee and tea, the littles have mama's milk and snuggles. Aedan plays some games on the iPad, or watches a video of humpback whales or diggers (depending on his mood). P makes us breakfast and does the dishes, and then he gets to work on plumbing or dog walking or wood cutting while I nurse babies, do puzzles, read books, play sea creatures or trucks or blocks. At some point, there is a bit of a struggle over nursing, but I try to set some limits with Aedan for my own sanity. I've also been trying to get Aedan into some undirected "arting". We've tried finger painting, play dough and stickers. He does not like sticky things on his fingers. It really puts a damper on most of the fun things for toddlers to do. 

Today, I got him painting with a toothbrush for a few minutes. 

He kept trying to brush his teeth with the paint. (Don't worry, it's made of powdered beets and water). 

 Aedan naps in the early afternoon, sometimes for three hours. I try really hard to nap, too, but I've never been a good napper. Instead, I read or surf the net (come 4 pm, though, I really regret that decision). When Aedan wakes up, I try to get us all outside for awhile, but lately he's been fighting me on that one. I'm usually too tired to press the issue, but if P is home I'll take the extra help to get us all out the door for an hour or so. I need it as much as Aedan does! Dinner has been uneventful. It's food in our bellies. I miss cooking. Bedtime is around 8, because I usually can't keep my eyes open any more. The nights are going okay, Colm doesn't wake often but you can bet that when he does, Aedan does, too. So I'm doing double duty at night, too. I really hated that in the beginning, but it's getting better.

The days sort of blend together. They are at once eventful and incredibly boring. Some days I want so much more. Or I want an hour of not being touched by little hands. But these things aren't possible right now, so instead, when it gets to be too much, I let myself think of the future, when my two boys are playing together happily and I am sitting on the couch knitting or in a room of my own studying some distance course or writing. 

Two

 

As I type this (one-handed) Paul and Aedan are upstairs napping; Colm is asleep in my lap, and I am left with some quiet time to reflect, to gather my thoughts. It feels a bit like that scene in the movie "Twister", where Helen Hunt and Bill Pulman belt themselves to a water pipe rising out of the ground, to anchor themselves as the tornado roars around them.

I am holding on for dear life.

Two is intense. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for it. In fact, I don't recall trying to prepare myself for it. I suppose, deep down, I knew that was an impossible task. 

Aedan is generally being wonderful. I try my very best to give him as much attention as I can spare, while taking fleeting glimpses of the new babe, taking deep breathes of his new-baby scent before diving back in to an ever-changing sea of toddler needs. 

Aedan loves to share his toys with his brother.

I am so grateful that Colm is, so far, an easy baby. He nurses a whole lot, and sleeps a whole lot more.  My love for him has been slow to grow, but my heart is pretty much bursting with it now. I try to savour every little bit of him, every little newborn moment, because he'll likely be my last. I fear for him like I never did for Aedan, not until the diabetes diagnosis, that is. I think it's because of that that I harbour so many secret worries. But Colm seems healthy and content. I tested his blood sugar while the midwife was here, and it was within a normal range. I smell his breath often for keytones, and wonder if he pees too much. I tell myself, as often as possible, "He's fine."

It's not just two to entertain, two to lull to sleep, two bums to wipe, two to love. It's two to nurse, too. I had planned all along to continue nursing Aedan alongside Colm, and I think it's part of the reason that Aedan is adjusting so well, but wow. It is hard. My feelings about my nursing relationship with Aedan change from session to session, oscillating from gratitude to exasperation. He's not ready to wean, though, and I want to keep going. I just need to find some mom-support, another tandem nurser to talk to. 

And what about the two of us, the two adults in all of this? We cling to one another when we can. We try to help one another. I feel like I'm taking so much right now, but that's because I'm giving so much, elsewhere. 

Two is beautiful and frightening and overwhelming in every way. 

Back

Just a quick note to say that I'm reviving my blog. I'd set it to private over the summer, and have decided to keep it that way, with permission given to family and close friends to read. If you've already got a Gmail account, you just have to log in to view posts. If you don't have a Gmail account, you'll be sent a guest invitation. I'll have to resend it every 30 days, though, so if you'd like to read, it would be easiest for me if you just created an account!

Birth story and baby pictures coming soon!

Gramma and Grampa's Visit

The last 10 days have been full of time spent with my parents, and it's been simply wonderful. We're so lucky that even with the distance between us, we're able to get together several times a year. Last summer, my parents bought a camper in Whitehorse, and we parked it on our property, so they have somewhere to stay when they come visit (our home is too small to be comfortable with 4 adults!) Lots of time was spent playing with Aedan, chasing him around the yard, or taking him to the park or the river in town. P and my dad got a lot of work done on an addition we're putting on our home, which will include lots more storage for us and a big water tank, too! I was able to put in two more raised beds, both planted with a green manure crop of red clover.

A full moon summer solstice passed while they were here, and it brought with it a week of very hot, dry weather. The still air was heavy with the scent of distant forest fires, and the hills were hazed over with the smoke. The highest I noted the thermometer hit was 38 C mid-afternoon. That is just craziness! I was quite ill one day, I'm not sure why (my best guess is a sudden food sensitivity, brought on by pregnancy), and was SO thankful to have 3 other adults here to mind Aedan. I spent an afternoon on the sofa, reading and napping and drinking lots of water and chamomile tea! It was strange to be still like that, but a nice reminder of how important it is to take care of oneself when it's needed.

My parents left on a rainy day, and we were all left a little at odds without them around. Life is getting back to normal now, though. We are finding our rhythm once again (slightly shifted, as I've finally got Aedan onto an afternoon-nap schedule!) I'm looking forward to our visit to Ontario in August. It's such a delight to see Aedan with his grandparents!

Feeling grateful...

...for the man I am so happy to call my husband and father of my child. I still remember the first real face-to-face talk we had after I learned I was pregnant. P was adamant that he did not want children. But he accepted my decision as soon as I made it, and I think it's safe to say that he hasn't regretted a single moment since. I feel blessed to have a partner so open to change, and so willing to learn new things about himself. It has been a joy to watch him grow as a father, and I am so curious to see how baby #2 will change the whole dynamic!

It has also been wonderful to see my own father with Aedan. I had no idea he'd throw himself so whole-heartedly into grandfather-hood. Aedan and I are both so lucky to have these men in our lives!

I love you both so much, happy father's day!

Twenty-one months

June 13th marked 21 months of little Aedan living on this earth. I can't believe how fast the time has gone! Just what is he up to these days?

He's started to put two words together. "Heavy" is his current preferred descriptor: heavy rock, heavy stick, heavy truck, heavy bus, heavy poop(!), heavy bottle. He's also started experimenting with "hot": hot coffee, hot tea, hot sun. I think "sun" and "sunshine" are my new favourite words in his vocabulary! He makes himself understood so well...to Mama and Daddy, at least. He now points to my belly and says: "baby!", but I'm not convinced he doesn't just think that's the word for belly.

Over the past week or so, Aedan has become enamored of the "wee-wee" (television). We don't have cable or satellite, but we do have a few dvd's. He loves "Mo-nee" (Nemo) and we've watched it I don't know how many times. I'm conflicted about this. I want to limit his screen time; I don't want him zoning out in front of the television all day. And he asks for it all.the.time. To the exclusion of the books he so loved up until now. However, I tell myself that we have control over what he sees. He isn't taking in any advertisements, no violence beyond what is normal in nature. I tell myself this is a little phase he's going through. Sometimes, I can distract him with a book or blocks or going outside. But often, "Mo-nee" is all he wants. Sigh. It doesn't feel worth an argument.

It's not all movies, though! He does really love to go outside, but the sun is so intense at midday, so we usually try to get out early in the morning and again before dinner. We walk in the woods, where he picks up every stick and rock, gives it the once-over, and throws it into the trees. He loves throwing rocks, and we have to make sure he's throwing them away from people and dogs. It's impossible to reason with a toddler, so for now we mostly let him do what he will, so long as he's not causing any harm. He also likes to go down to the "gar-wah" (garden) to see what's new each day.

We've settled into a nice summertime rhythm. Aedan still naps once in the late morning, and is usually down for the night by 8:30. He still nurses to sleep and upon waking, and occasionally throughout the day for comfort. As ever, he is a delight to share my days with, and I learn so much from him!

A little bit of everything

I've been away from this space for what feels like a long time. That's because I've been enjoying every minute of sunshine and warmth we've had since we shook off the last of winter's snow. And being this close to the summer solstice in the North, that's a lot of minutes of sunshine!

Since the river broke on May 15th, we've had some very high waters. Our friends in the Rock Creek community have all had to evacuate their homes as the waters rose into their yards and swirled around their houses. Along the roadsides, many of the ditches ran high with water; in some places, it came level with the highway. Even in town, people talked of the possibility of flood (though it was just talk). The ferry landing was underwater, the walking paths by the river were all washed out. Huge trees can still be seen sweeping along in the currents: it is a dangerous time to be on the river. Most of the snow seems to have melted off the hillsides, though, and the water levels have dropped off significantly.

The leaves have all popped, and the wildflowers are budding and blooming. Purple spikes of lupine flash among the green and along the roadsides. The Jacob's ladder has just begun to open its little purple-blue flowers, and the bearberry is hung with tiny, pink bell shaped fairy-flowers. The labrador tea looks to flower soon, as do the bluebells. Our little hillside in front of the house will be covered in fireweed again this year, too!

We've been passing our time outside, trying to clean up the yard bit by bit, raking and burning brush. The area we cleared for the garden last fall is a mess of rocks and chewed up trees, it is incredibly overwhelming but I've been managing it by cleaning it up in sections. I hope to put in another 4 raised beds soon, and plant them with a green manure crop of red clover. It's hard to get much done with a toddler, though! He needs to be watched carefully with the dogs, as his gentle pats can often quickly turn to grabbing handfuls of hair and jowl and yanking with all his strength! I often spend a good part of the day just wandering around the property behind Aedan, helping him jump over logs, watching him explore the world. No complaints there!

I've been taking him to the pool regularly, too, and I'm happy to report that he's loving the water this year. The other day P and I were there together with him, and we got him to put his face in the water and blow some bubbles! Shortly after that, he lost his footing and dunked right under. He was on the verge of losing it, but we acted like it was no big deal and he decided it must not have been.

Sunday we're heading to Whitehorse for another midwife appointment. I'm finally showing a respectable baby-belly, and the little one is making their presence well known with kicks and pokes!

The other little one is waking from his nap...I'll try to post some photos later.